In these times of confusion, with huge change and conflicting information wherever you look, it’s easy to get frustrated by the lack of obvious truth. And with the breaking down of structures and systems everywhere, it’s really a wonder that so many of us seem to be doing so well!

But isn’t that the magic of the human spirit!

The lockdown has forced us to meet and deal with our grievances and unspoken truths with those important people we live with – head-on. Not so easy to run away, hide or distract ourselves when we can’t leave our homes so freely!

It’s making many of us question and explore what’s true about the pandemic, especially when it comes to our health, the economy and our freedoms. I would say that no one knows what’s true with the virus for sure, but it’s highlighting our inner need to discover what’s true for us in many other areas of our lives.

If we’re intent on aligning with truth, what’s false can’t help but eventually fall away or get exposed as the lies that we unconsciously bought into, or unwittingly took on as part of our identity.

It’s a very powerful time!

Truth is like a surgery – it hurts, but cures

I’ve always been a committed truth-seeker, and on a personal level, what I realised to be true for me during this time was that my partner and I were not happy enough being together, so we decided to break up.

Fortunately, we were able to go through a pretty gentle and agreeable conscious uncoupling, separating with grace, respect and kindness. And once lockdown eased up a bit, I moved out.

I was a bit up and down initially after leaving. Firstly, full of elation and relief at being free of a situation that was emotionally and energetically very draining, even if the break-up was fairly easy. Then waves of grief and sadness that our shared dreams and plans didn’t work out followed. And I experience frequent bouts of gratitude for having spent a year of amazing abundance together. 

But the thing I appreciate most as I look back on our rather intense, but on the whole, amazing journey together, is how I grew from the challenges, how I trusted my inner guidance more than my head, and what I learned about the unconscious games we play.

Relationships are the best ways for us humans to see our shadows, triggers, blocks and negative emotions – and clear them. And although seeking truth can be super-uncomfortable – after all, they do say “the truth hurts”, I’m fascinated by the whole process that brings such growth and liberation from our conditioning. And of course, we’re also told “the truth will set you free,” which indeed it does!

Your triggers are YOUR triggers

Something I live by is if someone says or does something that triggers an emotional reaction in me, then the truth is there is a wound within myself that needs attention.

I have to own my reaction. 

Nobody else outside of me is responsible for my reaction. We are 100% responsible for everything we experience and how we choose to respond to life. The universe will act through someone else to show you what needs to be healed in you. Once you get the lesson you won’t attract it again.

It’s the willingness to see ourselves and our behaviours, warts and all – with love and compassion – that sets us free. 

* That’s not to say that someone’s inappropriate behaviour should be tolerated or accepted. 

So if we want to have harmony and peace in our relationships then we need to own our triggers and our wounding, otherwise, we will unconsciously project our undesirable feelings or emotions onto our loved ones, perpetuating pain and suffering for all. 

I certainly can’t claim to have owned all my reactions and emotions in the heat of the moment, because, as an empath, I often get bamboozled by other peoples’ heightened emotions, which makes things very unclear to me as to what’s mine and what’s theirs. But I find that taking time and space to channel on a situation always brings a lot more clarity because it keeps me tuned into the Higher Love and Truth that unites us all.

Being able to channel for myself was my saving grace, as well as having the love and support of good friends who I trusted to tell me honestly what they could see I was negatively contributing in situations that would arise between myself and my partner.

Awareness is a game-changer

I feel very blessed to have the level of awareness that we both had, and compared to many relationships that can be quite traumatic, leaving long-lasting scars, my ex and I parted as two people who still cared for one another.

That said, certain unconscious energy games were playing out at certain points in our relationship that were difficult to understand at the time, which led me to explore relationship dynamics at a much deeper level, with myself as a guinea pig, and with clients that I ‘mysteriously’ started to attract who were going through relationship difficulties. 

And as well as the guidance that came through from channelling, I did a lot of energy healing work, mindfulness practice, conflict resolution and conscious communication. It helped me strengthen my boundaries and created space for me to connect to, own and communicate my fears and needs. And Ho’oponopono helped me love and forgive. 

It was like being in a masterclass for twelve months and has been so incredibly rewarding and empowering. 

Relationship red flags

These were some of the experiences I went through at times that were red flags for me to explore. Maybe you’ve experienced something similar yourself with a significant person in your life…

• Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells.
• Feeling unable to speak freely without censoring yourself for fear of untold fall-out.
• Feeling energetically shattered by dramatic or angry unexpected outbursts. 
• Not feeling like the person you know yourself to be; a less confident version of yourself.
• Feeling your energy being drained.
• Feeling shocked at being unfairly blamed for the other person’s rage towards you – “Look what you’ve made me do!”
• Feeling unspoken resentment directed towards you for holding your boundaries.
• Feeling somewhat undermined or manipulated, but in a subtle way that’s hard to explain rationally, but something feels off.
• Feeling self-doubt, confusion and second-guessing yourself, rather than trusting your gut, your knowing and your intuition.
• Being able to see everything that they are doing ‘wrong’, while not being able to see your own flaws so easily – and compulsively thinking about it.
• Self-absorption – you are both wound up in your own problems and processing, and you can’t seem to connect to work through them together.
• Putting more energy into being what you think your partner wants/needs you to be, rather than be who YOU need to be.
• Confusion from hearing your partner’s positive words, while feeling they are not speaking their truth and holding back their real thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
• Not feeling 100% safe to share your vulnerability with your partner, even though you have learned to be deeply vulnerable with other people.
• Feeling guilty for dedicating time to yourself.
• Feeling so frustrated that you end up on Google searching for answers.

There could be many things going on when you find these kinds of experiences showing up regularly. Unconscious patterns will be playing out for both of you. Sometimes the patterns are easy to heal and release, other times deeper unresolved childhood traumas make the healing more complex. Or there might be something more toxic going on like narcissism or sociopathy. 

* Navigating the more difficult, darker relationships needs extra care and support because being in a relationship with one of these challenging personality types could be the formula for significant abuse and suffering. If you find yourself isolated, get professional help, but start to re-empower yourself by doing your own research. 

And if you are constantly feeling like a victim; can admit to needing to use manipulative behaviour in a passive-aggressive way as a way to regain some personal power; you’re not upholding your boundaries physically, mentally, energetically, sexually or emotionally; you’re frequently in a fog (Fear–Obligation–Guilt); you’re agreeing with your other half to keep the peace when you don’t want to; you feel taken for granted and not valued…

…Then maybe it’s time to give yourself some compassionate loving attention to see what’s really happening.

Taking your power back

Whatever is happening, it always takes two people, so there’s always something to learn about what you’re bringing to it. And once you are aware of what’s true for you, then you can start to heal and reclaim your power. 

You have SO much creative power available to you because it’s who you really are, and if you work with Divine Intelligence consciously, this power and truth WILL set YOU free!

This will start to restore your energy, enthusiasm for life and creativity, put you more in control of your life, bring you clarity and focus, and will help you value and accept yourself as you are, so you can set and communicate clear, healthy boundaries and make new choices that are right for you.

I wasn’t expecting my relationship, which initially felt so full of love and potential, to dissolve so quickly… but the universe works in mysterious ways. I look on my ex now as an earth angel who helped me learn so much about myself, and I can feel how necessary and perfect it was in every moment, so I will be forever grateful.

What can you do about it if your relationship is toxic?

Cathy Ballard – Mentor and visionary coach for spiritual paradigm-shifters and sensitive empaths.

Email: connect@cathyballard.com

Facebook: Cathy Ballard Transformation Coaching

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